I sat in the back of the fellowship hall readying myself to watch the video “No More Sheets” for the first time. The audience in the room included Mothers, Missionaries and other women who attended the church I had recently joined. I sat and while listening I thought “she is talking about me to me!” The tears ran effortlessly as the speaker’s words pierced through the pain and confusion I’d experienced over the previous 13 years of my life.
Wearing the title proudly as a bonafide “church girl” I was easily able to assimilate into that role wherever I attended church. Being conditioned quite well from age 9-17, I knew when to respond during each moment of the church service. My posture was well groomed as an “Apostolic Church Girl Graduate” so that you would never really know the personal struggles I dealt with.
On this particular afternoon in the fellowship hall my “church girl” badge was tilted just enough for me to recognize the “issues” of my heart and for the first time realize the true weight I was carrying. It was a breakthrough that was short lived though. You see the “Mothers” and the “Missionaries” condemned the content of the message. They could not believe a national evangelist was being so transparent and “telling her business”. “My God, when did she even have time to be rolling in the “sheets”?” One stated in disgust. “And who are these “so called” preachers she was with?” I was astounded at their remarks and heart broken that I would not be able to share my words of deliverance with these “sainted” women.
You see they were the ones putting the “heavy burdens” on the struggling young women in the church thus causing them to be “heavy laden” as Jesus spoke about in The Gospels. They were busy yoking them, and me at that time, with rules of how a “church girl” should act, what we should and should not wear, etc. to ensure we didn’t find ourselves in the fiery furnace. This teaching failed to teach us how to deal with the natural changes that occurred when we were around boys as teenagers and then men as young adults. No relationships were established with us just religion spewed from the microphone attempting to keep our flesh from burning. You see for me as a beautiful teenager and young adult my body was responding to men before they even approached me with a touch. The “Mothers”/”Missionaries” didn’t offer an open door policy to discuss this position but once you were caught up in an offense such as pregnancy then they were quick to slap a label on you i.e. “she fast”!
During my late teenage years I created my own process of celibacy/abstinence. This process proved to be a rollercoaster ride of intense prayer and fasting for 6 months to a year in celibacy with periods of falling flat on my face in promiscuity for maybe the next 6 months to a year. I was ignorant to the fact that religion doesn’t fix the God given desire to consummate. So I related to the speaker in the video. Although I was 30 at the time and married with 3 children “the sheets” still haunted me as I buried the images deep behind my “church girl” persona. I stayed hidden behind that image for another 15 years before God said “enough is enough” and released me from the bondage of the unordained marriage. Unfortunately the cost of that freedom was something I was not prepared for so I celebrated it way too hard and got lost for a minute in the freedom. I was religious too long and once I was able to run out of those caged bars I made no preparation for freedom. I had no plan, no strategy and really didn’t care to know what I learned while in bondage. So it took me another 3 years to figure some things out about myself simply as a woman with no titles: mother, wife, missionary, elder, pastor’s aid leader, mentor, administrator, CHURCH GIRL……no just woman, God’s girl, His beloved!
So here I stand now Pastor Pam, no need to fill any “church girl” requirements but walking in the love of a loving Father who simply wants me to love Him as He has always loved me, graciously. With this love I intend to free every “church girl” along with every broken girl, lonely girl, rejected girl, awkward girl simply with the story of Jesus the loving Savior reconciling us back to our Awesome Father, ABBA!!!!
Miz Liz
~She speaks; She writes ~ 